BRITTANYS BLOG ABOUT MY MOTHERS ADICTION AND SIBLINGS STRUGGLE

EMBRACE IT

brittanyaguayo — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 07:01:08 +0000

when all is said and done this is my life. i may not wake up tomarrow so why not embrace today. i didnt have the easiest child hood, but who did? we have all experienced our own up and downs. this blog has helped me to get some things out of my head and on to your screen. things that i dont even realize im thinking about beforei sit down to type what is suppossed to be a class assighnment. things will always happen unexpectadly. i didnt expect to be ripped away from my mother any more than i expected to reunite with her. life will always bring you new challanges, they say that what dosent kill you makes you stronger, i feel that i am stronger and weaker from all that i have gone through. ive gone through my stages of trusting no one, always expecting them to dissapear. if you dont let them in then they cant hurt you right? well i have learned that if u dont risk being hurt, you cant feel the love or good times in your life either. i have enjoyed reading everyones comments on my page. it has given me insight and has showed me i have never been alone. what ever you are going through no matter your age or where u are at there is always someone going thruogh the same pains and heart aches. i have my whole life ahead of me. its time to focous less on my past, more on the moment im in and stress less about every minute of my future. as important as my future is the most important thing is to enjoy what good i have in my life at the moment it is handed to me. if you get to where your going the wrong way you may find that its no longer where you want to be.

“INPATIENT PROGRAM”

brittanyaguayo — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 04:02:08 +0000

so when i was 16 i had an accident with some pills and a knife. it was a very lonley cold feeling night for me.i had had a bad night that resulted in me having a bad few monthes. my dad ofcorse flipped out like anynormal person, only instead of taking me directly to the hospital he made sure to get dressed pick up my mother from work and take away my phone first. meanwhile my head was on fire i had been throwing up blood and i couldnt hear well or see well at all. i didnt understand my fathers reaction. in fact it kind of made me wished i had taken more pills instead of crying for help. i was very back and forth with my emotiong everyday in the hospital. one minnute im praying t god to make me better, to stop throwing up just for a minnute, promising ill change for the better, and the next minnute im pleading with him to just end my life. to take me away from my ain and away from everyone. i know that the only thought i had when i was about to take the pills was hoping for my grandmothers forgivness. i cared for her more than any body, if something was going to stop me it was going to be her. i couldnt help it if she hated me. suicide is a sin. and she thought of me like i was a happy child in a perfect cozzy world. i went upstairs to kiss my brother and sisters then back down stairs to raid the cabinets and drawers looking for anything to make it all go away. i tried to drink bleach, witch by the way i dont recomend. and then i tried taking asprine, im not sure how many i took but it was a bottle of 250 and i took most of them. then when that wasnt working fast enough i cut my wrists, i couldnt feel it i kept digging with my knife back and forth back and forth until i felt so tired i had to lay down, i woke up sicker than i had ever been before. i must have thrown up 100 times, well maybe not that many times but it definitly felt like it. i had to drink charcoal and some other nasty drink too. my iv kept poping out so i had blood all over me. my cuts wernt extreamly bad, only one needed to have stitches. when i got out of the emergency room i was admited into a 72 hour hold, i beged my dad not to let them take me but he did the right thing, the best thing for me. i was miserable there, i couldnt have or do anything, but at the same time i liked it because there was structure, i had a full day of things i had to do, and on my down time i did my homework so i wouldnt fall behind. i even almost got kicked out of the school i was in because i was absent to much, they wouldnt excuse me, even though my dad had no choice but to admit me into the LLBMC . the lady said that if he didnt then the state would have to take over and id still have to go, only then theyd have the right to allow what they wanted or thought was in the best interest for me. they wanted to put me on medication. mystep mom didnt like that solution but she left the diciscion to me. i said no. the next day they had pills waiting for me. i refused to take them. i knew my dad woulldnt go behind my back like that, i knew hed warn me. i almost got the shot when some lady walked by and said shed ask my doctor. turns out it was a mistake, they didnt have my fathers consent. i was happy she came by because i didnt want to go into the bad room, everyone called it the blue room, said it was paded and smelled like a bathroom, but i dont know i never had to go in there. my counsler came to talk with me every morning before i had the chance to finish my breakfast. then in the afternoon i visited with my parents, they came everyday, i didnt really want to see them as much as others wanted to see there parents, i guess i was lucky, my dad came everyday, most of the others were lucky for a phonecall. when i got out i had to go back three times a week…. outpatient care…

theres still alot that i dont understand

brittanyaguayo — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 03:18:14 +0000

its that time of the year again and it tends to get a bit emotional. this is the 8th christmas without our mother and my sister audre could care less and who could blame her. she came home for thanksgiving and my mom asked me to send her her love, once again. i did but it just seemed to upset my sister. my mother has still not changed at all. she says she is getting clean but shes only substituting one drug for another, but one is legal, i guess ill never fully understand what she is going thruogh because i have never dipped into the things that she has. all i know is that i grew up never hating my mother, never even blamming her for a single thing, if she did something that was wrong i just gave her the bennifit of the doubt. she was and still is my mother my views on things have changed a bit but i still have high hopes for my mother, even when i know shes lying i still believe her. ive gone through some counsling and i never talked much, but when i did it always seemed to be about my mother. its not that i have her on my mind often or did at that time. it was my dad he always told them my depression and attitude was because of my mother. maybe it was but i never mentioned her to him. anyways i hated when they would bring her up. right away my eyes would tear up and my heart would ache. my body would go numb and id get so mad and angry. i still dont understand exactly what all of that was and is about. i do wonder why i have never really blamed my mother for her flaws, when i grew up hating my father for no reason.

I LEFT HOME ONLY TO COME BACK

brittanyaguayo — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 02:54:47 +0000

Three monthes before turned 18 i ran a way with my girlfriend who i had later married while it was legal in california. I learned very quickly how hard it was to live completly on your own when we had finally gotton our own apartment. it wasnt easy to get into our own place, we stayed with her mom until i started to go crazy. i got back intouch with my mother at this time, i started talking to her alot. it had been over two years since i ha dheard her voice and by this time i was visiting her. i even moved in with her for about a week while i was waiting for my apartment to get finished. when it was done i still saw my mother everyday. she was still using heroin. i would even loan her money knowing i had no money to spare and that it was going to feed her addiction. this caused alot of problems in my marriage. but at the same time she was giving money to who she wanted aswell and my mother was paying me back,not always rt away but still she was giving it back. i know i shouldnt have been paying for her dope but i wasnt readyt to loe her again and i was trying tounderstand her. i was at thepoint where i didnt want her to judge or parent me in any way, so i had no right to judge or parent her.

it wasnt long before i missed my brothers and sisters enough to want to move back to victorville. i lived with my sister in law who was hard to deal with. the christmas before i turned 20 we had finally payed off enough bills to get our own apartment again, two weeks later my wife tells me she wants space. im not one to dealwith seperation even though it should come easy tome with all the people who have left my side. i was embarrased i didnt telanyone i was seperated, in fact i didnt even move out, i refused to. afterall i got the apartment, i decorated, i made it my home. so i moved my stuff in to the second bedroom. then i realized i had to leave, i put my stuburness aside packed my stuff and moved in with my sister.

my mother had moved to massachusets right after i moved back to victorville, and she had decided to call my brother and sister. apparently something went wrong and my dad flipped out on me. i woke up to a phone call from my father, he was yelling at me about my mother. for the first time ever i hung up on him and stood my ground. ya i was freaking out..lol… my first instinct was to get dressed and leave the house before he drove over to kick my butt. he called over and over yelling and cursing at my voicemail. i finally talked to mystep mom who had called my sisters cell, i agreed to talk to her but refused to talk to my dad, he had no right to yell at me i had done nothing wrong, he yelled at me said he didnt trust me an that i was just like my mother, i told my stepmom that i didnt come home to betreated the way i used tio and that that was why i had left. things calmed down but i avoided my dady for 2 weeks, i only went over when he was at work. this was the first time since i had been home that i was put in the middle, now it happens all the time but nobody yells or blames me anymore, at least not to my face, it gets hard being put in the middle i just want everyone happy. i live with my father now, he asked me to come home,its weird sometimes and i feel like ive failed . i moved back to my dads house, i feel like a loser, i feel im over 18 i should be an adult with my own place, im 20 years old back at home and getting a divorce. how lame is that?

random thoughts

brittanyaguayo — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 02:11:35 +0000

after we hadent herd from my mother in a long time we all had finally pulled ourselfes togeather. we still had alot of issues to work out, my father was really strict with school so we were always trying to focus on our class work. my father told us we were smart, that we could all get a’s if we just tried. this i felt was easier said than done.

when i lived with my mother i was never preasured, i really dont remember her ever asking if i had even done my homework. maybe it was because she didnt care or maybe it was because she knew me well enough to know i always finished it in class.

anyways i did manage to bring home passing grades, it was never enough for my father but my stepmom had a way of calming him down. my sophmore year i was finally able to bring home almost perfect grades, i spent everyspare minute studying. i got all a’s and one b. i was so happy. whe i brought them to my dad to show him how well i had done that year he handed me back my paper and said he knows i can do better. talk about feeling low…lol .. dont get me wrong he wasnt saying it to be mean, i think he just dosent realize when hes saying the last thing that someone wants to hear.
i often find myself coaching my mom trying to stop her from saying the wrong thing.. im not sure if that is the right thing to do. im only trying to keep peace between all my family,.

when first decided to get a divorce i moved in with muy sister and realized that mainaining peace in the family was goingto be harder than i thought…

EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER

brittanyaguayo — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 21:10:32 +0000

I feel like when it comes to my relationship with my mom all it has ever been is a long heaqrtbraking rollercoaster. its like as soon as i get used to not hearing from her she calls out of the blue and all the sepressed emotions start pouring out. i get happy that she calls but then full of questions i never ask. i let her tell me what she wants to tell me. at 16 years old i had finally had enough… i broke down at work waiting for her call.. i checked in at home with my stepmom to see if she had called, i was affraid that that would be the week that she called and i would have missed it because i was working. my mom didnt call. in fact it was a long time before i heard from her again and when she finally did call i flipped out. about two weeks before the call i had finally decided that i would rather not have her in my life atall than to have her jump in and out of it when convienient for her. i told my self that this was me being strong…standing up for myself. it was a long unpleasent letter explaining how i felt and that it was harder for me when she steped back into my life . she called me and i told herthe same thing on the phomne. i asked her not to call me anymore. and she did as i asked. i felt so bad though. i didnt want her to call ME, and in that act of not calling me she didnt call my brother or sisters either.

i got back in touch with my mom when i was 18 yrs old, i asked her to call my brother and sisters..eventually she got around to it.

last nite my mother called my little sister summer. the last few phone calls between them summer has tried to talk about her feelings and she has tried to ask questions and my mother has continued to shut her out. summer had enough i guess because as soon as she picked up the phone she was yelling at my mother. i stood near my sister hoping that she was ok, i felt sad because i know my mother and i can imagine that she was crying on the other side of that phone, but my sister was hurting and needed to vent. my sister ended the phone call saying” this is our last phone call and this conversation is over!” with tears in her eyes she hung up the phone and ran off into the backyard.
two minnutes later i have my mother crying on the phone calling my cell. it wasnt long before my stepmom asked to talk to her and pulled me into the garage to play in the middle. talk about uncomfortable. my stepmom finally stoped her self appoligizing to me for draging me into thier conversation. she asked if i was ok i said i was fine but i had to go.
needless to say i had a crap day. i just wanted to go home and do my homework rest and hangout after a long stressful day at work, what can i say drama is never far away.

I AM NOT HER MESSANGER

brittanyaguayo — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 02:05:52 +0000

sometimes talking to my mother just gets to be too much. she always wants me to tell my brother and sister that she says hi and sends her love,hugs and kisses. there’s nothing wrong with that right? wrong. my brother and sister hate when i tell them. Audre prefers if i just don’t bring her up and summer and Skyler ask why i get to talk to her all the time but she never calls them to say it straight to them. i finally fliped out a bit at my mother refusing to even mention her to them and that she should call them herself. i guess it worked because she called but i feel bad for snapping at her.

busy times

brittanyaguayo — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 18:06:56 +0000

You know i dont consider my self to bad of a person, but my mother has always had a way of making me feel wrong or low some how even to this day. But dont get me wrong i have grown out of that alot. My mom texts me almost every day. always wanting me to call her. i feel bad because i dont really want to talk to her so ill say im still at work or in class our with my dad etc…. its not that i dont love and or miss her, its that she talks so long about her life and her excuses and it gets old, she will ask how my siblings are and before i can finish she is turnin the focus back on herself. so i text her, its more convienient. yesterday i called her, i am good about making time for her every so often, afterall she is my mother, but with just moving back home it is hard to make time for everyone, including my step mom and my dad. it was a good 2 hour talk about the same thing as always including the whole” i was going to call but…..” i told her not to even worry about calling last nite, my dad took kids fishing, he was upset i didnt go but with midterms im not ready for and sunday being my onlyday off, as much as i love and miss fishing with my dad i turned him down. It gets hard to juggle people and there wants a needs, i dont make alot of people happy, but i am focusing on my wants and needs for a change and im happier that i was when i was trying to please everyone else. which is impossible by the way so i dont recomend that..lol
anyways i just feel bad sometimes like im disapointing parents and friends but i just have so much going on, they all make fun of me saying the only way to get ahold of me is by texting..lol.. i guess the are right

VISITS

brittanyaguayo — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 19:50:14 +0000

when we were taken from my mom she was granted visitation rights once a week and phone calls once a week.
We were supposed to go down to the CPS office every tuesday to see my mom after school. I was always more excited than my other brother and sisters.My sister Audre would always say how she didnt think that she would even show, i on the other hand always had faith that she would, after all she promised me that she was going to try. Skyler was still so little he had no clue what was really going on, but he was my little buddy and always reacted to things the way i did, so he was just as excited as me. Summer was kind of in the middle of how me and audre felt, she was excited but shy and ofcourse always had questions.
My dad would take us to these visits, we never missed one, we would be so happy to see my mom walk through that door, the first 2 or three weeks she showed up, made me feel like this could really work. The visits were awkward with a stranger sitting at the door way observing every thing that we said or did always with a clipboard i guess reporting how the visit was going, it was hard for me to be myself, i was affraid that if i acted a way that wasnt ok they would think that it was best if i never got to live with my mom again, i was always cautious.
The visits didnt last long, we would always show up, wait around for a few hours then get the phone call that she wasnt going to make it, that or our visiting time was over and we had to leave, i think it would hit me the hardest, because i would always defend her and have faith that she wouldnt let me down, again, and again, even though my sisters knew she wouldnt show. Skyler would get really sad too, like i said he was very close to me so if i was depressed he was right beside me just as sad.
my mother was always a selfish woman. She even tried to tell me that my dad wasnt my dad because she was with someone else when she got pregnant with me, she said all she would have to do was tell the judge i wasnt his kid and that would buy her some more time with me. It hurt me to hear that and i knew it would hurt my dad more, he has been there for me even though he didnt live with me, i didnt care if he was my real father or not i refused the test, i know in my heart that i am his blood, after all we are so much alike that we cant stand eachother most of the time…lol..
My mom said she missed the bus or that it ran late, but it was half way threw the day if it ment so much to be there she could have taken an early bus. She made it to less than 10% of her visits.And her phone calls werent any better.
When she got visitation taken away for not showing, or passing her drugtests she also lost all parental rights, she was legally NOT my parent. In fact she was not allowed to have any contact with any of us until we turned 18. My dad was not as mean as the courts, he allowed her to call us everysunday which went as bad as the visits. we would once again wait around, and when she did call she would tals to me for almost an hour then speak to the other 3 for about 5 minnutes, i think they hated it, they would barley talk to me after and always ask why i got to talk longer.
My dad also opened up a po box so my mom and summer and skylers dad could write us, but not know where we lived, but letters were few and rare, except for summers dad who is stuck in a prison cell with nothing to do but to write his only child.
My mother will still make up excuses, i woke up to a text this morning saying “i ment to call the kids yesterday but i messed up cause of the holiday ill have to try this weekend on sunday.” .ummm that dosent even make sense to me but i should be used to her excuses, but really what does the holliday even have to do with it? Well i hope my brother and sister will be ok with it i havent herd them even mention her not calling, i think its more of a suprise when she actually does call than it is a dissapointment when she dosent. They are used to it, we all are…i think.

STEALING

brittanyaguayo — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 21:14:08 +0000

We got home only to find that alot of our things were stolen. By our, i mean me and my sisters things. My mom said that she thinks it was skylers dad who stole the stuff. She says that she must have accidentily left the garage door unlocked. I wanted to believe her, i still do want to believe her, we had a pretty honest although screwed up relationship. but if she were telling the truth then why did we have to drive around for hour looking for ray (skylers dad) until we finally found him? And why did she go off alone to talk to him, not even with Angel her overly jelouse boyfriend at the time?
Most of me believes that she asked him to go to the house while we were gone so that he could pawn the stuff and split the money with her, she was after all getting really desperate for money. I think that she chose not to just pawn it herself this time because the last time she pawned something major it was my brand new basketball hoop that my dad had just got me for my birthday. She pawned a $200 gift of mine for a mere $50 and i hadnt even had it a few weeks yet. She said she had to do it, she had to pay the gas bill, she said it was a small sacrifice i had to make to keep hot water in the house for my brothers and sisters. yes it was only a small sacrifice, but she didnt give me the choice of sacrificing it or not. Had she of asked me i would have given it up in a heartbeat, id give up anything to keep my brother and sisters safe and healthy, even though i knew that the money was not for the gas, i make myself believe that what she is telling me is true.
We did without alot but my dad gave us what he could. everything that had been stolen from us was what we had of value, not being much to alot of people was alot to us. our bike were taken, mine wasnt worth much, the one my dad got me had already been stolen, and my sisters bike which was her most valuable posetion, also gone, all of our cameras that we had just gotton, toys un opened yet, things we were still getting used to even having, all gone. My dad even got audre a learning system that wasnt cheap to help her with school, that was gone too. But they didnt take the tv, they didnt trash the house in search for things of value, they didnt touch the cds, but they made sure to take our disney videos.Yano its pretty pathetic what junkies do for that days fix. And to think, that all my mom had to do was ask and i would have given her anything.